A letter to your eating disorder

This letter to your eating disorder crossed my desk recently. It is about an eating disorder. Someone wrote this letter to their eating disorder to describe how they felt and what they had become. I thought it described so well, what can be hard to put words on. It doesn’t matter much to me after twenty years of treating people what you have that stands in your way of living a high quality and authentic life. They are enemies that manifest in many different forms.

Decades of depression is for one person what an addiction is to another. Both can be crippling and equally as devastating to the person they attach to. Personality disorders such as avoidant personality, or borderline personality disorders can invade and then destroy a persons finances, relationships and wellbeing if left untreated. Yes. These things are highly treatable enemies. The treatments are not just medicinal. This is a route many people take to settle for coping with an issue like anxiety or depression. For us at our center it doesn’t matter what you are suffering. There is treatment and the treatment must be one hundred percent all encompassing. What has to change? Everything. If your life is not working for you change your body and how you fee and care for it. Then your mind, emotions and soul or spiritual self. These four elements make up the essential parts of all of us as human beings. “Put them all together”, Says Mark L Lockwood, “and whatever you decide to do and achieve and dream is a possibility for you.” This is 2021 and healing and life change and even transcendence of your personality disorders is entirely possible. In some areas of the world it is even becoming common place to be able to turn your entire life around for the better.

“And I said to my body, softy: I want to be your friend”. It took a long breath, and replied: I have been waiting my whole life for this.”

This is the very reasons we love this letter to your eating disorder. It describes someone who is waking up to the fact that they are able to talk to, influence and then manage or control what is ailing them. They take definitive action. A letter to your eating disorder can show us all how we can rise above anything that is not working for us and change the way we live life at any given moment in time. You can heal your life.

A letter to your eating disorder

Dear Eating Disorder

This is me,  I am thirty-two years old.

I am in rehab and you put me here.  I am here because of you and Exercise Addiction.

I am writing to say I can’t be with you anymore.  I can’t do this anymore.

I am finding it hard to find the right words.  You have been with me for so long now.  Always there – somewhere – calling me, no matter what I did or where I went, you called to me.

But I am scared of you now – you fill me with fear.  I see you – trying to call me – coaxing me and smiling, telling me it will be okay.

You used to bring me safety and security.  I was somebody with you.  You lifted me up when I felt lonely and not good enough.  I could always count on you to make me feel better.

You helped me by making me think everything would be okay – you made me feel confident and you made me feel I was okay.  You made me feel safe and that nothing could hurt me as long as I was with you.

You gave me the idea I could cope – that I was in charge – that I didn’t need anyone but you.  You made me believe I was right and that others were always wrong.

But you stopped me believing I could have my dreams.  You stopped me being a sculptor, and from going to university.  You stopped me from being an artist or liking boys I really liked – you stopped me choosing things I longed to do – you stopped me wanting anything.  You kept me from wanting, in case that I got hurt.

But you robbed me of the truth.  You lied to me about everything.  You stopped me from growing and kept me apart.  You took every part of me.  You took my softness, my curves and my loveliness – you took my womanliness and my natural chance to have children.  You took my ability to love and care for my children and to keep them safe – you took my health, you took my looks and you wanted my husband.  You took my joy of people and places, of food and experiences.  You took my gentleness and you took my friends.

You took my lying with my children, lying in my husband’s arms and enjoying it.  You took me – and you took my children’s mother.  You took me as a wife and taken me as a daughter.

You took me as a friend and as a woman.  You took all of me.

I wanted you to make me feel safe.  To protect me from other people, knowing how I really felt.  I wanted you to make it look like I was okay.  I wanted you to take away my fear and scared and being alone.  I wanted you to cover up that I was frightened and felt small.  I wanted you to work forever so no-one would ever know.

What I got was rigid rules to follow and if I didn’t, you made me feel unsafe.  What I got was isolation and feeling like a freak.  What I got was the belief I’d be nothing without you.  

What I got was my children scared of me and people who thought me weird.

letter to your eating disorder

What I got was a mind that couldn’t think straight and a cold and bony body.  What I got was people worried about me, but a mind that I was fine.  What I got were people afraid of me and people that hated me.  You lied to me – you made me believe that I couldn’t do it without you.  You made me think I was okay.  You never let me see things you were really giving me.  I can’t believe I could be so blind.  What I got was emptiness and not knowing how to feel.

I’m scared of you now.  Scared that you’ll come back.  I can see through you now.  You don’t want the best for me.  You never have.  You’ve wanted me to yourself.  You’ve pretended and lied that everything will be okay – and it’s not.  You never wanted me to learn to be okay without you.

I would be lying if I said I don’t think of you.  And the way you used to make me feel.  I am trying to think what I will really miss, but I know it’s all not real.  But I will miss that you protected me from feeling scared and sick.  You stopped me from getting hurt or lonely or from people not loving me back.  I will miss that you made me feel important and that I had something to say.  I will miss that you made me think people liked me and that I was okay.

I regret I let you in and how long you’ve been with me.  I regret how much you’ve taken of my life already – and I’ll never get it back or have a chance to do it again.  I hurt for myself and the sadness at who I might have been.  I’ll never know what I could’ve been.  I’ll grieve for the small gorgeous girl that I didn’t protect and I’m angry you let me not look after her and that tell her she is beautiful and wonderful just the way she is.

There’ll be times I think of you and think that you can help.  But other people know about you now and it will be those I turn to now. 

But there is one thing you have taken and now I want it back.  You’ve taken my body and I still see it through your eyes.  I want to love and nurture myself – I don’t want you in the mirror or see you in other’s eyes.

I grieve for what you’ve taken.  For how long you’ve been around.  I grieve to let you go – but I know that it is time.  I am scared when I can hear you and see you lurking there.  I feel sad and kind of empty and not so feisty now.  It will take time to live without you – but I have others now.  I don’t know what will happen, but it is time to say goodbye.

For more information on A letter to your eating disorder or information about our depression, anxiety and wellness programs call us on +27824424779 or email sanctuaryplett@gmail.com

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