We all seek connection, intimacy, and a sense of worth. These are fundamental human needs, the bedrock of a fulfilling life. But what happens when the gentle desire for these essentials morphs into an insatiable hunger? This is the precarious edge where the pursuit of love, the allure of sex, and the thirst for validation can transform from life-enhancing experiences into an addictive cycle. This insatiable craving can quietly begin to dictate our thoughts, choices, and relationships, often leaving a trail of fleeting highs and profound lows. We can easily become Addicted to love sex and validation. This post delves into the often-unseen world of addiction to love, sex, and validation – exploring how these powerful human drivers can become compulsions, and the silent battles waged by those caught in their grip, yearning for genuine connection amidst a cycle of desperate seeking.
The innate human drive for connection and romantic love is universal; however, when this seeking transforms into an obsessive, all-consuming need for external validation to define one’s security and worth, it veers into dysfunctional territory. This chapter will explore how such patterns, rooted in low self-esteem and distorted thinking, manifest as a relentless cycle of infatuation and inevitable disappointment, trapping individuals in the fallacy that “true love” alone will resolve their inner turmoil. We will examine the common, yet often unrecognized, dilemmas and behaviors symptomatic of these struggles, laying the groundwork to understand their origins and, more importantly, the path towards breaking these deeply ingrained patterns.
MY COMPULSIVE PATTERNS ARE IN ALL I DO
To be clear, addiction can be defined in a general way as a compulsive (repeated action without choice) and chronic (ongoing over time) pattern of using a substance or unhealthy behaviors for soothing, comforting and/or arousal as a means of medicating uncomfortable feelings. Addicts typically continue use of their “drug of choice” despite negative consequences. Often the soothing comes through with compulsive thoughts about others, the past, about what might have been.
Love and specifically sex addiction represent a compulsive pattern of pursuing sexual arousal independent of emotional attachments. We search for that intensity but we don’t find it from others (Pathways#1). Love addiction is a little harder to define simply because by nature we are all addicted to love – meaning we want it, seek it and have a hard time not thinking about it. We need attachment to survive and we instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection. There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love. The only dysfunction is overdoing the thinking – when you do this it becomes negative by nature.
Love addiction, however, is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person. This is a distortion in thinking. It represents low self-esteem on our part. During infatuation we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. This is a cycle, and you need to recognize the pattern. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love with fix everything. This is of course a fallacy.
The Unseen Chains: When the Craving for Love, Sex, and Validation Takes Hold
Often the most difficult of us addicted to love sex and validation to help are those of us who actually develop committed relationships, or obsessions about these relationships, sometimes with two or more people at the same time. What a dilemma, we say! Who should I pick? Recognise any of this behaviour? We really believe that the only problem we have is deciding who would be the best choice! If so, it is keeping you stuck in an almost addictive behaviour pattern, in a no win situation that you need to get out of. How? By loving yourself of course.
The causes of love addiction are fairly easy to identify: inadequate or inconsistent nurturing, low self esteem, anxiety, absence of positive role models for committed relationships and indoctrination with cultural images of ‘perfect romantic love’ and happily ever after endings. Unfortunately, knowing why you do it isn’t much help. Having the information or insight cannot change the unconscious drive to attach obsessively.
Here are a few truths about Love Addiction and obsession our premier depression treatment centre in South Africa has taught us and what is most likely to happen if you have not processed and grown from your painful experiences. Which you must learn to do!
1. If you are looking for the opposite of the last one, just remember that the opposite of Sick is Sick. When we rebound, we go to the other extreme and end up in the same place. It can be good to stay out of relationships.
2. Your new “friend” will be your next lover and it will turn out the same way the last one did.
3. Just saying you will go slowly doesn’t work when hormones kick in and infatuation starts making the decisions. Infatuated love is blind. So you have a lot of work to do if you want healthy relationships. Remember this and start working on it, and especially yourself today.
Truth is: Wherever you go, there you are. Stop running. Start living and working on yourself.
The problem is YOUR patterns, not who you are or were with!
Here are some initial steps for breaking the compulsive patterns:
1. STOP what you are doing and stand back to observe your own behavior. Take an inventory of your dysfunctional pattern in your current and past relationships. Write it down. Be honest without blaming anyone else for your choices, and let go. Unless you are in a committed relationship, do not engage in any potentially romantic interactions for at least 6 months. That includes no texting, emailing, online dating sites, hook ups, introductions by well-intentioned friends and family.
2. As you do your inventory look for the common themes in your relationships. Does there appear to be a similarity between your childhood experiences and your choices as an adult? If so, it is no accident!
3. Ask yourself how life would be if you took responsibility for your own happiness, successes and failures and loved yourself the way you want to be loved. Leaving others from your past who have moved on with life to live their lives freely. Clinging to the past and relationships in the past is central to keeping obsessive thinking patterns alive.
5. Make a plan to heal your addicted to love sex and validation, own it, and follow through on a daily basis. Learn to write about it. Yes, you will be lonely, sad and frustrated at times but in the end you will have the most valuable gift of all. You will finally know and love yourself. Only then can you choose well and have the real, albeit imperfect relationship you deserve. If you don’t do it this way, forget about healthy relationships in the future.
6. As an act of love that will last a lifetime, start to let go, accept yourself and the paths of the people you have and do love AS IS! Love as a verb is freely letting go of unhealthy fascinations and fictions, and replacing them with true love for yourself in the present moment.
We hope you enjoy these lessons learned from Addicted to love sex and validation over the last two decades learned at our luxury rehab and wellness centre in Knysna, a 45 minute flight from Cape Town where we help thousands of people from all over the world heal their lives through burnout, treatment resistant depression and anxiety, personality disorders from adhd to bpd to bipolar. People really do heal their lives in short spaces of time. All they need to do is have a professional team of 12 mental health experts, the Paradigm Process Healing program and a willing attitude. You really, really, really can heal your life! Whether its turned into being addicted to love sex and validation or simply a loss of hope, purpose, energy and drive.
Depression and Wellness Center 